Tuesday, June 18, 2013

...and the World's Best Auntie Award goes to......................

I'm not a grandmother.  THANK GOD I'm not a grandmother but I AM an Auntie.  I have 5 nieces and 9 nephews and I'll be the first to say I'm the COOLEST AUNT EVER!  I let my nieces and nephews have and do whatever they want when they're with me.  I look at it like I'm getting back at my siblings in a strange kind of way.  Like we're playing an awesome game of LIFE and I'm in the lead.  Let's be honest, they should all be VERY used to this by now.

I've said the craziest things to every one of my nieces and nephews at some point.  I actually remember a Christmas gathering at my in-laws where I told my nephew Stephen that I'd give him a dollar if he could find me some vodka for my lemonade.  At the time he had NO idea what Vodka was but to think that he probably asked his parents on their way home about it (or even better, his grandma) just cracks me up!
Another time I told my nephews Miah and Austin that grandma said they could get into the cookies before we ate.  Bahahaaaahaha!!  My mom was so pissed at them so then their mom got pissed at them.  Everyone was yelling and while their mom was dragging one (Austin) to the bathroom to get his butt busted I fessed up and said I told them they could have the cookies.  I mean it's not World War III people!  It's just cookies!  If they're at my house I'll let them have the damn cookies instead of their dinner because I think we need a lot more fun in this world...and because I can.

This brings me to a recent visit from my nieces.  To protect their privacy we'll call them Micky and Maddy instead of MacKenzie and Madison.  I taught them all kinds of fun stuff like Road Rage and Revenge!  On our way to Bug's graduation some TOTAL JACKASS cut in front of a HUGE line of waiting cars and got in front of us so I did what any crazy auntie does and called Uncle John who was a few cars ahead of us.  I told him the whole ugly story and about what a big jerk this guy was and then asked him to please pull out in front of Mr Jerkface Line-Cutter...AND HE DID!  Hahhahahahah!  It was the BEST!  The Jackass car people were honking and yelling and we were laughing and laughing!  You see? You have to teach your own kids to be merciful and to forgive others but you don't have to teach your nieces and nephews any of that crap!  That's what they have parents for!

When Micky and Maddy got home from their super awesome visit they got some horrible news.  Their parents split up after 15 or 16 years or something.  I was so saddened by this news and for them that I waited a day or two then texted each of them individually to see how they were handling it.
Here's how that went with the first niece (my texts are in green hers are pink):

I felt like that went well so I checked on the other one:
 I went on to tell them that they could probably guilt their mom into another trip down to the beach before school starts if they play their cards right.  I'm hoping to see them again sometime in July.  As for my other nieces and nephews? I can't wait to see every single one of them.  They're all a little older now so trouble is a lot easier to find...especially with an Auntie like me!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Don't accidentally text sexual references to your kids instead of your husband

Recently Gordito ordered a new surround sound system for our living room.  He was so excited about this that when it came via UPS I called him to let him know it was here.  He proceeded to beg me to hook the whole completely complicated system up so it would be ready to go when he walked in from work.
Surround Sound is not something women get excited about, especially not this woman.  I get excited about way better stuff like online art classes!  As a matter of fact, later that very day one of my favorite artists had opened registration for her upcoming class so I sent Gordito this text message:

(My texts are green, his are pink)

Now, I don't usually say these kinds of things to him and I realize it's a bit crude which is why he thought it was so funny!  I then decided to call Brock (my "genius about all things electronic" son) so he could walk me through the process of setting up the stupid surround sound.  He talked me through the whole thing and before long I had the system ready to go.  I was soooo proud of myself that I decided to text Gordito and tell him, in my completely hilarious way of course...
...only I didn't text this to Gordito, I accidentally texted it to Brock. 
So poor Bubby, innocently sitting in his apartment probably playing some video game gets this text message FROM HIS MOTHER!
OMG!  There are just some things your kids shouldn't hear their parents say.  We laughed pretty hard about this whole thing but the moral of the story is:  Being funny has a price.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

God crushed my dreams so that you could live.

I dream of Jeannie.  No, I mean I REALLY DO dream of Jeannie.  I am the biggest I Dream of Jeannie fan ever, ever, ever!  I have a picture of her (Barbara Eden in costume) right above my dressing table so I can see her every morning.

I have 2 Jeannie bottles.  You know?  The old whiskey bottles from the 60's they used for the show.

I couldn't find a pic of my bottles and it's too late to go sneaking around the house trying to take a pic of them.

I tried to talk Bug, my daughter, into dressing up as Jeannie almost every single year for Halloween and succeeded three times (although I could only find pics of 2) and the last time I talked her best friend Sammi into it as well!
Doesn't she seem so happy about her costume?

They are appropriately costumed as "nice" Jeannie and Evil Jeannie

In the show Jeannie had a dog that wasn't on very often.  He was some sort of Yorkie-mix and his name was Djin-Djin.  Because of this I wanted a Yorkie so badly that I grew up (well, I got older) and found one through a friend 6 years ago.  Her name?  Gin-Gin.  Different spelling, same pronunciation.  I LOVED Gin-Gin so much that...well, let me try to shorten this part of the story a bit by showing the whole family of three.  Major Nelson, Jeannie and Gin-Gin (Sookie is just visiting).
Major Nelson, Jeannie, visitor Sookie, Gin-Gin

If some of you are not very familiar with the show I forgive you.  If you've never heard of it I want you to leave my blog and never come back.

Ok, this brings me to my childhood prayers.  My Aunt Linda took me to church.  I didn't know much about all that weird stuff happening in church, but I DID hear the Pastor say that if you prayed, God would grant your wishes.  Ok, I know NOW that wasn't exactly the way he put it but after reading about my Jeannie obsession you can understand why that's exactly what I heard.  I remember asking my Aunt Linda after church if God gave us what we asked for and she said, "Most definitely!", so Yippppeeeee!!!! tomorrow I was going to wake up and be a genie!

I prayed that night.  I squeezed my eyes shut and said, "God, tomorrow when I wake up I wanna be a genie."  When I woke up the next morning I immediately started trying to BLINK some things around in my room.
Nothing happened.
What?  How could this be?
I continued to pray that prayer for some time afterward and I was NEVER a genie when I woke up!  So I asked my Aunt Linda again why God didn't always give us the stuff we prayed for.  I can't remember her exact words (she had no idea I was trying to become a genie) but I'm sure she told me all about God's will and about when we ask for certain things we aren't always ready for them and something else about prayers not being selfish.  Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  Ok, I got this.

"Dear God, I really want to be a genie.  If you make me a genie I promise never to use my powers for evil and I will always help people.  I'm SURE I'm old enough to handle genie powers and I've thought about this a LOT so please let me be a genie when I wake up.  Amen"

That didn't do the trick either.  I prayed that very prayer so many times that it's burned into my brain.  I wanted so badly to be a genie!  I thought about it all the time.  I wanted to help people so why wasn't God just granting my wish?  Ugh!!!

It wasn't until very recently that I realized just how wise God is.  You see?  God knows that's not something I could handle in the least.  Not even a little, tiny bit.

Because if I were a genie:

I would have my own lane on the highway and I wouldn't have to share with anyone!
I would have a Hobby Lobby in my garage.
Child molesters would have blue skin and no penises.
Churches would all burn down.
My brothers would both have a third eye and be covered in warts or feathers or both.
Women probably wouldn't be allowed to drive.
My mom would've been even MORE lenient (and for those of you who know me I'm sure you're trying to imagine me without the small amount of discipline I DID have)
My sister Tiff would've been in a constant state of Asthma attack...or mute.
Guys in my high school would've had periods.
Cigarettes would be illegal.  Gross!
My poor ex-husband would be living as a woman.
My neighbors house would've been lifted right out of the ground by a tornado and sent to Oz (without the shoes).
Clowns would all burst into flame.
I'd be the Queen of America...by America I mean Texas because who really cares about all those other states anyway?
Men would not be able to grow mullets.
Those stupid Sister Wives would have to say what they REALLY think about each other on TV. (in all fairness I've never seen the show, I just have an uncanny ability to immediately recognize freaks)
The girl who goes to school with my daughter and is mean to her would weigh 622 pounds.
White stuff such as sour cream, cream cheese, mayo, dressing, and chip dip would all be on the black market like moonshine once was.
There would be several people struck by lightning every day.  Cashiers, postmen, idiots who can't park between the yellow lines, teachers, doctors, waitresses, EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD...

...so, do you see?  Do you see why God didn't turn me into a genie?  You'd all be dead, that's why.  So if I were you I'd say a little thank you prayer tonight.  Maybe something like this, "Hey God (or Universe for all my freak, weirdo non-believing friends who are still in denial despite having found themselves alive even after reading this post), thanks for crushing all of Candy's childhood dreams so that I may live another day to cut her off in traffic or go through the 10 items or less line with 16 items.  Amen"