Monday, May 20, 2013

If this post pisses you off enough to do your own research, I count that as a win.

I love Jesus.  I don't mean the dude with the neck tattoo working at the taco stand but THE Jesus.  I have a lot of friends who are non-believers so I'm not one to tell them what they're doing "wrong" everyday.  We have Christians* for that.  You know?  Christians?  Those people who spend an hour at church every Sunday and also work in the nursery?  The ones who know absolutely EVERYTHING there is to know about God...including what He's thinking and feeling at all times.  They are very quick to let you know that God is most definitely not a Democrat and by NO MEANS liberal in any way at all.  They know you should go to church.  They know how often you should go to church.  They even know exactly how much money you should give the church. As a matter of fact, if you have a friend like this there's no reason to read the Bible for yourself as they are more than willing to give you their favorite parts as a way to live YOUR life.  (*not all Christians are psycho...just most of them)

Do I believe in God?
Oh yeah I do!  He's shown up for me so many times I couldn't even begin to list them.

Do I believe in church?
No.  I don't.
--Ok, I don't think the following rant applies to the 100 year old church on the corner with 22 members (for whatever good that is doing) so let me try again.--
Do I believe in church? 
I don't believe in Mega Church...or modern church if you will.

 I know "church" is mentioned in the Bible and that many people believe today's church is that very thing.  I do not.  Why?  I've seen church.  I've seen church from the inside and it's ugly.  Church is a business.  It's purpose, like any business, is to thrive.  It is meant to be profitable.  This is why the pastor (wearing the typical "hip pastor" uniform of ripped blue jeans and an untucked button-up shirt) stands on stage urging you all to bring someone with you next Sunday.  Someone from work or parents from your kid's school.  This man, telling us we are to go out and make a difference in the world and in the lives of those around us, probably 1) sends his kids to private christian school, 2) has a wife who does not work but has regular lunches for the women's ministry (while her Christian nanny and God-fearing housekeeper take care of her home), and 3) himself hangs out with other pastors all day.  So when he says "go out into the world" he really just means YOU and your family, not he and his.

The next week he is telling you to "up" your giving because the church needs a bigger building.  He'll tell you that God has given him a vision and that it's going to take all of you to make that vision a reality.  Doesn't anyone ever wonder why God only trusts His vision to the pastoral staff?  If it's God's vision why didn't we ALL wake up with it this morning?  After a really good sermon you all start to believe this is what God wants from you. A good pastor is a good salesman and while you are all digging in your purses trying to figure out a way to give another hundred dollars to your church, your pastor is off with his family on his second trip to Disney this year.

What is my purpose here?  To bring the church crashing to the ground?  Not exactly.  I DO believe that despite our own agendas in church today, God is actually able to get in there and change some lives but my wish is for people to start listening to God and not just their pastors.  Now, I don't think all pastors fall into the completely judgmental, stereotyping I have given here.  Some of them have a heart for Jesus and for people and even though I still may not agree with everything they are doing, I can appreciate that they are doing it with their hearts in the right place and for (what they believe to be) the right reasons. Does this make it OK?  Church for profit?  No.  I can only pray for those I believe to be misguided and hope those who disagree with me will offer the same courtesy.

If you really DO believe God is leading you to give a hundred dollars why not find someone to give it to?
Someone "unworthy".
The Atheist who just lost his job.
The stripper who's struggling through a divorce trying to raise 3 kids.
The unwed teen at your daughters high school.
The homosexual who is paying his own way through college.
The reason it's hard for us to help these people is because we honestly believe we are better than they are.  We believe we are living our lives the "right" way therefore they deserve their situation.  My prayer is that you ask what God would have you do.  That's all.  Just ask Him.  He will make it very clear to you.

In the mean time, God told me that He wants you to give me a hundred dollars so email me and I'll send you my PayPal information.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The left lane is for passing only...or for sports cars, but only because they're usually passing.

I am a road-rager!
If you'll notice, the angry man in the picture IS driving a convertible BMW.  Coincidence?

Every single time I leave the house, regardless of my destination, I'm going for a record time.  I need to be the fastest person to have ever gotten from St Timothy Street to Wal-Mart or the post office.  I treat every single adventure out of the house like a qualifying lap for Talladega.

Now to be fast, one must be aggressive.  By aggressive I mean I am definitely NOT the person you want driving a bus full of 1st graders to a field trip or, worse yet, your grandparents to their Cardiology appointment.

So in my NEED for SPEED I sometimes get thoroughly worked up over some idiot who pulls out into traffic then proceeds to go 5 miles under the speed limit.  Or the stupid woman who's swerving on and off the shoulder because she's trying to add Sweet N Low to her coffee, apply mascara, and get the right Pandora station on the radio all at the same time!  I tend to become completely over-the-top enraged when some stupid ass is putting along slowly in the passing lane (to clarify, people in Texas don't know what a "passing lane" is therefore every driver in Corpus Christi is a stupid ass).

This brings me to my trip to work yesterday morning...

As USUAL, I left the house 5 minutes behind schedule so to make it up I hit the gas pedal.  I was bopping along at my very typical 80 MPH when I came upon a huge cluster of traffic on the freeway.  Ugh!  What now?  No doubt it's some stupid ass WOMAN putting her mascara on IN the passing lane going 5 miles UNDER the speed limit!  After darting in and out of the 3 lanes of cars I spotted the problem up ahead.  A police car driving along leisurely IN THE PASSING LANE!!!!!!

[I forgot to add that one of my really BIG pet peeves is people who are afraid to pass the cop on the road!  I've seen cops driving under the speed limit and no one will pass them.  REALLY?  Cops are just people, they're like you and me but with guns....oh wait....we're in Texas.  Ok, cops are just like you and me!]

Well, I decided I'm going to pass them all and so I did.  I passed them going about 70 and then jumped over into the passing lane to continue on my merry way.  So I got my Pandora right where I wanted it and went to check my mascara in the mirror when I noticed the cop had sped up and is practically on top of my bumper!

        !!!!!!!!ENGAGE ROAD RAGE!!!!!!!!!

I immediately threw up both hands in a "Really?  You're riding my bumper?" gesture!  As I was yelling my obscenities to this person responsible for keeping our roadways safe, I saw that he was PISSED as well.
Oh good!  A fight!  I LOVE a good road fight!
So I was yelling at him and he was yelling at me until he decided he could see me better if he got up beside me.  At this point, we were both flying down the freeway, stacked full of rush hour traffic with him pointing his finger at me saying God knows what!  That's when it happened.  That's when I snapped.  I pointed my finger at him and I said "**** ***". {Ok, I can't really say exactly what I said here because the rule for my blog is if I wouldn't say it to my kids or my mom then it won't go on the blog (Yes, I know, I'm pretty open with my mom and my kids but they're ALL grown-ups) and yes, I know that should probably be more of a "whole life" rule and not just a "blog" rule but it's not.}

Ok....where were we?  Oh yeah...
Well, the officer  seemed to be such an expert lip-reader that I thought for a moment he might even be deaf.  This only fueled his fury and at this point he rolled his window down to continue yelling at me.  I'd had enough.  Although I do enjoy a little roadway altercation now and then, this guy had gone too far.  So I picked up my phone, glanced at his unit number and proceeded to call it in.
When he realized what I was doing he got behind me and flipped on the lights.  (That was pretty smart if you ask me because if some chick is calling in to complain about you and you've got her pulled over she's more likely going to be the one to look like a psycho)  I obviously pulled over, not only because my days of trying to out run the police are in the past, but because I could not wait to tell this guy what I thought about him!
It took him F-----O-----R------E------V------E-----R  to get out of his car as I now realize he was trying to compose himself.

 He walked up and told me so very nicely that he was only trying to get my attention so that I would slow down.  So I let him have it.  Both barrels!  "Really?  That's how you get a motorists attention?  By riding their ass then pulling up beside them and yelling at them?  Distracting me from the road does not seem like the safest thing to do.  No.  You were furious and letting me have it.  That's what happened back there."  He responded very calmly with, "No, I wasn't angry at all.  You were just going too fast.  You were doing 68..."  I cut him off here, "68?  Are you trying to tell me you pulled me over for going 68 in a 65!!??  Unbelievable!  The truth is you pulled me over because you saw that I was about to call in over your harassment!  I believe you're an arrogant jack-ass who got pissed off because someone had the nerve to pass you.  I believe you wear that uniform thinking it gives you a right to be an asshole whenever you want to whomever you want.  I'm NOT going to sit here and get a lecture from you about my driving... not after seeing your driving!  You either cite me or let me go."
He asked for my license and insurance.  Took it back to his car.  Brought it back to me and said, "I'd like to apologize.  I believe this was all just a misunderstanding.  Drive safely."  When I didn't give the obligatory thank you he said, "Your insurance card expired on the 3rd.  Have a good day."  and he walked away.

DAMN IT!!!  Damn you insurance card!!!!  Yeah, I didn't get a ticket but in a situation like that you want to be right, 100% right!  I was in the right and I knew it but why did my insurance card have to be a week overdue?!!!!!!
Oh, I know why.  I know it because I'm so familiar with the feel of God's foot to my forehead.  More often than not, when I get my smug, you screwed up and I didn't attitude God has to kick me back into my place to remind me that no one is perfect... not even me.  I'm just really freakin' close.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

I'm sure I'm a bigger hypocrite than you

Do you have a Jesus fish on your car?  What could be better?  I KNOW... a whole fish family!

I heard a guy say once that if you have an Ichthus on the back of your car you should also have one on the dash to remind yourself of what you're displaying to the world.  I for one would NEVER disgrace God by displaying a fish on my car (I have a million other ways I prefer to do that).  Do you know how many times I screw up every day?  And don't give me that, "We're all human.", "Only Jesus is perfect." crap either because the guy behind you at Chick-Fil-A who is a throw-it-in-your-face Atheist sees your stupid kid throw their straw wrapper out the window and now has ANOTHER reason to hate Christians and even worse, Jesus.

So basically another person is going to Hell because you have that stupid fish on your car.


This is sometimes how my morning goes: 
I'm flying like mad down SPID (because I'm always late for work).  I'm jamming to my Disciple, hard core Jesus music, screaming his praises at the top of my lungs when invariably some jack ass cuts me off!  That's when I've been known to go zipping around him with my middle finger flying high out of the top of the car while never missing a beat.  Yep!  That's me... a very literal example of James 3:9-With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness. 

But do you know what?  While I may be pissing someone off and being the poorest example of what I should be, I DON'T have a Jesus fish on my car.  In my mind this means that all 212 people I pass every morning only think I'm a bitch and are not blaming God for my horrid behavior.  See why this is better?  It's because we are ALL hypocrites and by we I mostly mean all of you.  I've heard every single Christian out there state this same thing, "We all fall short of the glory of God" to which I say, "No shit!  That's why non-believers hate us.  Duh!"   Let's not give them any MORE reasons!

So the moral of this story is:  Take that Ichthus off the back of your car and put it on your dash or better yet, your bathroom mirror.  You shouldn't be openly walking around displaying your hypocritedness so that all those Christian-haters have something else to blame on Jesus.  

And as for me.....
Biggest hypocrite of all.