Thursday, May 9, 2013

The left lane is for passing only...or for sports cars, but only because they're usually passing.

I am a road-rager!
If you'll notice, the angry man in the picture IS driving a convertible BMW.  Coincidence?

Every single time I leave the house, regardless of my destination, I'm going for a record time.  I need to be the fastest person to have ever gotten from St Timothy Street to Wal-Mart or the post office.  I treat every single adventure out of the house like a qualifying lap for Talladega.

Now to be fast, one must be aggressive.  By aggressive I mean I am definitely NOT the person you want driving a bus full of 1st graders to a field trip or, worse yet, your grandparents to their Cardiology appointment.

So in my NEED for SPEED I sometimes get thoroughly worked up over some idiot who pulls out into traffic then proceeds to go 5 miles under the speed limit.  Or the stupid woman who's swerving on and off the shoulder because she's trying to add Sweet N Low to her coffee, apply mascara, and get the right Pandora station on the radio all at the same time!  I tend to become completely over-the-top enraged when some stupid ass is putting along slowly in the passing lane (to clarify, people in Texas don't know what a "passing lane" is therefore every driver in Corpus Christi is a stupid ass).

This brings me to my trip to work yesterday morning...

As USUAL, I left the house 5 minutes behind schedule so to make it up I hit the gas pedal.  I was bopping along at my very typical 80 MPH when I came upon a huge cluster of traffic on the freeway.  Ugh!  What now?  No doubt it's some stupid ass WOMAN putting her mascara on IN the passing lane going 5 miles UNDER the speed limit!  After darting in and out of the 3 lanes of cars I spotted the problem up ahead.  A police car driving along leisurely IN THE PASSING LANE!!!!!!

[I forgot to add that one of my really BIG pet peeves is people who are afraid to pass the cop on the road!  I've seen cops driving under the speed limit and no one will pass them.  REALLY?  Cops are just people, they're like you and me but with guns....oh wait....we're in Texas.  Ok, cops are just like you and me!]

Well, I decided I'm going to pass them all and so I did.  I passed them going about 70 and then jumped over into the passing lane to continue on my merry way.  So I got my Pandora right where I wanted it and went to check my mascara in the mirror when I noticed the cop had sped up and is practically on top of my bumper!

        !!!!!!!!ENGAGE ROAD RAGE!!!!!!!!!

I immediately threw up both hands in a "Really?  You're riding my bumper?" gesture!  As I was yelling my obscenities to this person responsible for keeping our roadways safe, I saw that he was PISSED as well.
Oh good!  A fight!  I LOVE a good road fight!
So I was yelling at him and he was yelling at me until he decided he could see me better if he got up beside me.  At this point, we were both flying down the freeway, stacked full of rush hour traffic with him pointing his finger at me saying God knows what!  That's when it happened.  That's when I snapped.  I pointed my finger at him and I said "**** ***". {Ok, I can't really say exactly what I said here because the rule for my blog is if I wouldn't say it to my kids or my mom then it won't go on the blog (Yes, I know, I'm pretty open with my mom and my kids but they're ALL grown-ups) and yes, I know that should probably be more of a "whole life" rule and not just a "blog" rule but it's not.}

Ok....where were we?  Oh yeah...
Well, the officer  seemed to be such an expert lip-reader that I thought for a moment he might even be deaf.  This only fueled his fury and at this point he rolled his window down to continue yelling at me.  I'd had enough.  Although I do enjoy a little roadway altercation now and then, this guy had gone too far.  So I picked up my phone, glanced at his unit number and proceeded to call it in.
When he realized what I was doing he got behind me and flipped on the lights.  (That was pretty smart if you ask me because if some chick is calling in to complain about you and you've got her pulled over she's more likely going to be the one to look like a psycho)  I obviously pulled over, not only because my days of trying to out run the police are in the past, but because I could not wait to tell this guy what I thought about him!
It took him F-----O-----R------E------V------E-----R  to get out of his car as I now realize he was trying to compose himself.

 He walked up and told me so very nicely that he was only trying to get my attention so that I would slow down.  So I let him have it.  Both barrels!  "Really?  That's how you get a motorists attention?  By riding their ass then pulling up beside them and yelling at them?  Distracting me from the road does not seem like the safest thing to do.  No.  You were furious and letting me have it.  That's what happened back there."  He responded very calmly with, "No, I wasn't angry at all.  You were just going too fast.  You were doing 68..."  I cut him off here, "68?  Are you trying to tell me you pulled me over for going 68 in a 65!!??  Unbelievable!  The truth is you pulled me over because you saw that I was about to call in over your harassment!  I believe you're an arrogant jack-ass who got pissed off because someone had the nerve to pass you.  I believe you wear that uniform thinking it gives you a right to be an asshole whenever you want to whomever you want.  I'm NOT going to sit here and get a lecture from you about my driving... not after seeing your driving!  You either cite me or let me go."
He asked for my license and insurance.  Took it back to his car.  Brought it back to me and said, "I'd like to apologize.  I believe this was all just a misunderstanding.  Drive safely."  When I didn't give the obligatory thank you he said, "Your insurance card expired on the 3rd.  Have a good day."  and he walked away.

DAMN IT!!!  Damn you insurance card!!!!  Yeah, I didn't get a ticket but in a situation like that you want to be right, 100% right!  I was in the right and I knew it but why did my insurance card have to be a week overdue?!!!!!!
Oh, I know why.  I know it because I'm so familiar with the feel of God's foot to my forehead.  More often than not, when I get my smug, you screwed up and I didn't attitude God has to kick me back into my place to remind me that no one is perfect... not even me.  I'm just really freakin' close.


Team Torres said...

Love Love it!!!

Anonymous said...

G u t it..though I do not like lead.footed females.on my arse..two lanes go my motto...anyhow..i will follow u..:)