Wednesday, April 24, 2013

My mom was the Slug-Bug master!

Grown ups are liars.
And they lie about the stupidest things.

Playing with fire will make you wet the bed.  Not true.  If this were true my brother Joey and my cousin Russell would've drown before they were 8.

Masturbating will make you go blind.  Ok, again, if this were true there'd be no boy over the age of 14 with any sight left at all.

You must wait 30 minutes after you eat before going back in the water or you'll get cramps.
If you cross your eyes they'll get stuck like that.
Don't swallow your gum because it takes 7 years for it to digest.
That's crap.
Going out in the cold with wet hair will make you sick.

Ok, I can get that sometimes ignorance is just passed down from one generation to the next (you should see my Uncle Carl), and that maybe old wives tales are just repeated for entertainment purposes.

But food lies are my biggest pet peeve!  

So I'm going to clear some things up.  
I knew, even as a kid that these were lies.  I thought once I got my membership card to Adultland all these things would suddenly become clear to me.  Nope.  Instead it made me realize that grown ups are just bored and have a twisted sense of humor.  It's kinda like a game of Slug-Bug except instead of punching each other they see who can get more kids to eat stuff they don't like...and here is the magic phrase they use to do it:

"That's the best part!" 

THIS is the best part.
So you're sitting there, minding your own business, eating all the middles out of the Oreos and throwing away the nasty, crumbly, overly chocolate outsides when you hear, "What are you doing?  The cookie is the best part!"
Ummmm, no.
It is NOT the best part.  
If it were the best part then the genius over at Oreo who came up with Double Stuff would be washing cars for a living. 


Or how about the fact that we all KNOW the icing is the best part of the cupcake. Try leaving any part of that cake on your plate after you've licked all the goodness off and you'll hear it, the biggest grown-up lie of them all.
"Why didn't you eat the cake?  That's the best part!"
No it is NOT.
If the cake is the best part then the idiom The icing on the cake would make no sense at all.
Which one of these would you rather have?

Let's not forget pizza.  Mmmmmmm.  I love pizza!  I can eat at least 49 slices a day and probably more.  But I only like the good part.  The yummy, cheesy middle part.  Not the crust on the outside.
This is what a pizza looks like when I'm done.

Let an adult catch a glimpse of that plate and Oh Boy!  You can mouth the words as they say it, "The crust is the best part!"
Oh good!  Then you can have all mine.
As a matter of fact, I'll eat all the yummy part and you just wait til the end and have yourself your own little Pizza Crust Fest!

LIES!  These are all lies.  Lies told to kids for reasons I still do not understand.
Lies I DO NOT tell my children!

The ignorance in this family STOPS at my generation!
................uh, I may need to rethink the previous statement.........................

Anyway, for all you under 10's out there, ANYTIME you hear the phrase, "What are you doing?  That's the best part!" ignore it and continue eating.  You're only a pawn in a sick, twisted, adult version of Slug-Bug.


Kristin said...

Oh, Okay! WHAT a cool place you have here - I love your attitude and LOVE the insides of Oreos too. And you are the cutest former derby girl! What lovely art and a family you have.
Thanks for your visit and for letting me play here,

A Candied World said...

OMG Kristen! We just became best friends! MATCHING TATTOOS!!!!!!!!!

A Candied World said...

Ok, ok. So I'm not a GREAT best friend since I didn't even spell your name right. Ugh. I guess I won't be getting a "Kristen" infinity symbol now.